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The Love Lab: Part 5 - Be your spouse’s dream detective.
Are you curious about what makes a successful marriage? What can save a marriage from negativity, criticism, and contempt? Knowing these principles of healthy marriage will provide valuable guidance for your son or daughter in their relationships. John M. Gottman claims to have found the key through the unique research in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Each week, learn more about Gottman's experiments and his surprisingly simple conclusions about the power of friendship in a marriage! Part 5 of 6: Do you think all problems are solvable in a marriage? Answer: No! Although solving all problems sounds healthy, the approach to a problem is more important than the resolution of a conflict. Gottman observed that in healthy marriages, couples used a softened (not harsh) approach to problems that could be solved. Gottman suggests making a list to understand each other’s ideal solutions to problems, and then accepting that real solutions may not be ideal for either partner. More importantly, work to diffuse stress and make the marriage a place of peace. Above all, don’t allow a problem to destroy your sense of “we”: happily married couples see themselves as unified against the world. Finally, when you have reached a gridlock -- a seemingly unsolvable conflict -- keep working to understand the other person’s perspective. Gottman calls this becoming a Dream Detective: Each position in a gridlock represents a dream, a value, something cherished. Focus on understanding -- and thereby respecting -- your spouse’s dream. Next week…Do all couples who love each other feel fulfilled in their relationship? |
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