“Feeling a sense of unity with your spouse…is really an ongoing, lifelong process.  The goal shouldn’t be to agree on every aspect of what is profoundly meaningful to you, but to have a marriage where you are both open to each other’s most dearly held beliefs.”

According to Dr. John Gottman’s extended observations of happily married couples, all couples experience certain disagreements—often the same disagreements over the course of their relationship.  But Gottman’s studies also present some good news—a marriage can thrive in the midst of a perpetual problem if the husband and wife search to discover what dreams are important to their spouse.  While the husband and wife may still not agree on a particular issue, they will understand what matters to their spouse and why.

Each position in a perpetual argument represents a dream or goal.  For instance, in a perpetual argument about spending and budgeting, one spouse’s dream may be to have security, and the other may dream of unique travels and irreplaceable memories with the family.  But, if they don’t understand the significance of one another’s dreams, then the argument may devolve into accusations:  one spouse may perceive the other as either stingy or irresponsible.

Gottman observed, however, that discovering a spouse’s valued dream can help a couple break a gridlocked argument and regain compassion for each other.  Though they probably won’t solve the disagreement, they might make concessions out of love and respect for one another.  Or, they might react to their confrontations with humor rather than bitterness; they know that they don’t agree, but since they understand the other’s dream, they can still function and even joke about it.  Finally, small changes in a marriage that are sustained over time can yield dramatically positive results.

As emphasized through Gottman’s research in the Love Lab, the principles of successful marriage reflect the simplicity of friendship between a husband and wife.